I have had literally hundreds of emails thanking me for guest editing the last edition of this multi-award winning newspaper. In particular, the plaudits have been pouring in for my credit crunch busting tips. Many of you said that the article has already saved you thousands of pounds. I am incredibly touched and humbled that my advice has changed so many families’ lives forever.
To be honest, even I find it difficult sometimes to follow my own plan for surviving the credit crunch, especially the cutting back on Champagne at lunch and the staying in at least one night a week. In truth I don’t have to really worry about money because as “Buy To Let Fever” ignited the nation’s thirst for the fast buck-et loads of cash, I was characteristically calculated, composed, and very, very savvy. I invested heavily in athletics or, to be more precise, athletes’ feet. I’m not referring to Nike trainers or Steve Ovett’s toes, but Athlete’s Foot Powder. Biggins calls me the Fungal Queen. Yes, it’s true, my shrine is the sweating foot and my altar is the Australian UGG Boots. This fascinating story began a few years back when I observed half the female ipodestrians of the country schlocking through the summer heat in broken down Marino sheepskin-lined boots. I knew then my cash cow was to be that infection caused by the contagious fungus which thrives in warm, moist environments. Time has proved me right, again, as my shares have bucked a world-wide downward trend and spiralled out of control in an upward direction.
In truth, I haven’t been so ‘flush’ since I inherited a small fortune from a distant relative whose vast wealth had been made out of the Clacker Craze of the 1970s – as luck would have it, she was a Harley Street wrist specialist. Athlete’s Foot Powder has certainly been my best money earner to date. The rest is history.
As you all well know, cheap talk about the filthy lucre isn’t my usual style, but the current economic climate forces me, out of a sense of public duty, to share the wisdom of my vast experience. I am, as you can imagine, literally bombarded with emails, daily, with global requests for help. My altruistic support of the disenfranchised and the poor knows no bounds. I am especially privileged to have been able to help at least 419 Nigerians experiencing “difficulties” with money. They include Madu Frank, Mother Sarah Rowland, Dr Arthur Uba, Simon Shabngu, Barrister Churchill Okocha, and HAJIYA MARYAM ABACHA, wife of the late Nigerian Head of State, General Sanni Abacha.
Regrettably space here does not permit me to detail their individual plights, but I urge you, dear readers, to Google their names, for their stories are indeed fantastical and I’m proud to have been able to help them with my emails of encouragement.
Whilst it is important to have an international perspective to my philanthropy, nothing is closer to my heart than my beloved West Hill and in the next edition I will reveal, exclusively, how you too can enjoy, for an outlay of practically nothing, benefits far exceeding those afforded to any British MP.
See you in August.