How to Stay Sick

Never walk if you can ride. When the thought of exercise assails you, rest until the impulse passes. Smoke on every occasion. Never leave the table hungry. Use white sugar, white flour. Slobber gobs of butter on everything. Order second helpings.

Plan meals to include gooey pastries, plus ice cream with thick toppings loaded with sugar, cakes and cute cookies. Was this man a nut who last said, “If it’s dead don’t eat it, bury it”, otherwise salt it heavily.

Start every meal with three Martinis [or as Dorothy Parker once said, “have tee many Martoonis” – Ed]. Eat four square meals a day. Under no circumstances eat organically grown fresh fruit or vegetables, this is only for those sickly-looking food faddists.

Resent everything, devote a good part of the day to worrying. Fear for the future. Get mad at everybody. Lose your temper and lash out at everyone who can’t fight back. Always buy a big house with a big mortgage. Bite off more than you can conveniently chew, in business. Don’t pay cash for one car, buy two and mortgage them both.

From ‘The Key to Good Health – Vitamin C’ by Bartz & Klenner

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