Features

Christmas Alphabet

A partly cynical guide to Christmas…

A Advent Calendars plus are you sure you want to go through with it?
B Baste that turkey, frequently.
C Christmas Carol excellent Christmas reading. Chestnuts – horrible things, when you peel them you get the skin stuck under your fingernails. What happened to Charlie the hot chestnut man?
D Dictionary definition of Christmas: ‘The annual commemoration of the birth of Jesus Christ’. Didn’t realise: thought it was all about spending money.
E Early to bed, early to rise – to get that bird in the oven. Some holiday!
F Family tensions run high at Christmas; usually about who is spending it where and with whom. Relax, and visit the rellies after. What’s the odds? After all. You can’t cut yourself in half.
G Gifts spend less this year; less is more. Give the rest of the lolly to charity.
H Holly that natural symbol of Christmas has been proven to have a calming effect on the fraught proceedings.
I Include somebody outside the family in your Christmas dinner.
J Jews, Muslims, Hindus will not be celebrating this time – lucky them?
K Kings ‘We three kings of orientar’. Cry at the remembrance of your kid in the nativity play.
L Lockerbie Let us not forget that for some Christmas is not a time for celebration.
M Mistletoe May that tradition remain. Get kissing.
N Nutcrackers What we always forget to buy or can’t find from last year.
O Oranges The 1950s’ child got one in their stocking along with a brazil nut. Can you believe it?
P Partridge in a Pear Tree. Now try to remember all the other verses.
Q Queen’s Speech No thank you. Quince jelly. Don’t try and make it. Buy it in a good deli or supermarket.
R Reindeers Rudolph the Red Nosed. An endangered species if we get a taste for them.
S Santa Claus is coming tonight. What do you do if you don’t have a chimney?
T Take yourself off to a Health Farm this Crimble. Much more fun.
U Unattached Sometimes it’s easier. Latch on to somebody else’s preparations. Take plenty of bottles.
V Verse 5 St. Matthew. ….and the meek shall inherit the earth…
W Wenceslas. Good King. Great name.
X Xerostomia Dryness of the mouth, otherwise known as overindulgence of alcohol syndrome. You thought X would be for Xmas, dincha?
Y Yuletide The Christmas season. Originally from the old Norse word for a pagan feast lasting twelve days. Does this mean we are a bunch of Pagans?
Z Zopiclone a well-known sleeping tablet. Sleep till it’s all over.

Holly

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