OK, I very shyly confess it: there’s a neurodivergent basis to this Yes Man column. I have ADHD, so notice everything, and mild ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) so am happy to write about it. (Phew, I’ve never said those words in public before!) But you guys are from Brighton – probably the most autistic city in the land – say “Yes” if you relate to any of these symptoms.

1) You focus on details, and miss the whole. Like most autists, I’m hypersensitive – specially to noise. This morning, an old couple passed in the supermarket…

HER: Do you want soup, dear?

HIM: No. I’m not a great soup drinker – not like Arthur.

I could repeat the exact voices they used. I also pictured Arthur – a ‘great soup drinker’! – seeing him, astride his horse, mightily sipping his soup! (‘Der-der DUM der-DUM!’ Slurp!) And while all this went on, I forgot the dog food.

2) You resist societal norms – why so many ASDers are Gender Fluid, or Green (as I am) – which, then, distances you further. I avoid TV, town centres, and social media. Online, people love posting pics of themselves in places like Thailand… (I’m not thinking, “You look amazing!”: I’m thinking, “You just made four tonnes of CO2, you dick!” – but apparently that’s rude to say).

3) You have ‘mind blindness’, and struggle to work out what others are thinking. Personally, I don’t have that one – but learned to appreciate others’ mental states by examining my own. I remember being two-years-old, thinking, “I wonder if everyone else has a whole world in their heads, like I do…” Apparently it’s not normal to remember what you thought aged two. I remember the next thought, too: “But if I’m the only real person in the world – why would this be?” I concluded it must be a test – and I should pretend everyone else was real, and be polite. (This encapsulates autistic thinking).

4) You probably really like the soothing patterns of nature. (But if you can say how to recognise the 20 most common trees, you’ve learned not to).

5) You self-medicate to reduce anxiety. Many ADHDers use cannabis, but it’s not cool if, say, you’re a children’s author about to visit a school to do a quick bong hit in the car park (as I found to my cost). These days, I take Medikenit, and work out two hours a day to settle the mind. Sounds good, right? But then, on a rare trip online, I posted a pic of my naked torso. (Apparently it’s not normal, to be a 54-year-old, posting half-nude pics – I now know that!)

6) You hyper-focus, but struggle to make decisions. I often write 10,000 words a day – obsessed with how good prose flows like silk falling through fingers. But my ex-agent and ex-wife, both said the same thing: “Do you want to check the idea’s good, before you spend four months writing it?” They made a good point. Still, if I ever write that hit, I’ve a backlist of 150 works – though, yes, quite a few concern trees…

7) You avoid socialising. People say “Want to meet in the pub?”. I’m thinking “No, it’ll be TVs, people talking, it’ll be torture!” The problem for the autist, is you then have all this affection, going spare and if someone smiles, or – God forbid! – touches your arm, you fall instantly in love. (I’ve learned to resist saying this!) But if you’ve got all these symptoms, how come you’ve never known? Maybe…

8) You mask (pretend to be normal). When you look into this, you find so much research has focused on the loud boys who disrupt the class – as opposed to the quiet females, or sensitive males who are listening (very intently) to the teacher. 

I am saying all this as a public service – (if you relate to any of these, consider getting assessed; it’s amazing how freeing it is to say ‘yes’ to these ‘disorders’ – to accept them) – but for personal reasons too. I recently alienated my old friends, by trampling a few social rules, and am rebooting. If you fancy inviting me to walk in the park, you know what I’ll say. You can count on getting my complete attention. Just don’t touch me, or boast of your holiday – it won’t go well.

l mrcloverthefamoussnail@gmail.com 

Readers. The Whistler has obtained said half-nude picture of Andrew. For a small donation to The Whistler Benevolent Fund… it could be yours