The season of mists and all that jazz firmly divides opinion, I have found…
There are those that welcome its gentle cooling, its falling leaves, its lazy sun. The snuggly appeal of fires and warmer clothes. Halloween parties, hot chocolate, and the rich colourful tapestry of nature. You know these people. They’re on social media a lot.
And then there are people like me. I’m not awfully keen, shall we say? It feels like death looming. I hate woollen clothes. They make me itch. The days are shorter, the bleakness is around the corner. Everyone talks about stupid bloody Hygge until my eyes glaze over with IKEA fatigue. Even hot chocolate makes me feel gaggy.
I can’t be the only one? There must be other people out there for whom autumn feels like the beginning of the end? Here are some of my (least) favourite things about the season.
Is it a turd or a leaf? Ah, the seasonal guessing game. For a dog owner like me this is a double-edged sword. Not only might I tread in a turd, thinking it to be a leaf, which is never a good thing. But I also find myself searching blindly – in leaves – in the general area that Alice has visited, desperately trying to find… well, you know. Add wind and rain to this search or squelch, and I’m pretty much ready to murder someone.
I also hate the darkness. By all that is holy I hate the short days. Not so long ago I was waking at 4-something to see the warm pink of dawn. I slid from my bed bathed in the happy glow.
Now I’m up at 6am or thereabouts, full of hate, and it’s as dark as midnight. It might as well BE bloody midnight. And then more darkness at the other end of the day, coming increasingly closer. BRING ME THE LIGHT, dammit. Not the SAD light though. That’s just weird. I’d rather be depressed.
Hearty behaviour. Oo look, another thing that could drive me to murder. People being hearty and cheerful. Getting all togged up in stupid hot clothing and doing bonfires and ghastly marshmallows. Capering around having a nice time, dressing up in fancy dress like toddlers. Or getting excited about a soup they made. Actually I do that, to be fair, I love soup. The rest of this heartiness though? Stop it. You’re not five.
And as for the ’Russian Roulette’ pedestrian. I see you, standing there at the kerb at the end of a long day, ready to die in front of my car as you dash out to cross the road in mad traffic, far from the safety of pedestrian crossings, traffic lights or Belisha beacons. Or rather I DON’T see you, because you’re an idiot dressed head to toe in dark clothing in the pouring rain. Darwin Awards at its very best. Do you have any idea how invisible you are? No? Idiot.
As far as I’m concerned, autumn also heralds Christmas on the horizon, which I’m also not terribly keen on either (more heartiness. And charades! Argh).
As soon as the first leaves start to fall, it feels like a countdown to the darkness, and a long stretch to springtime. I live for the winter solstice and the turning point as the days get longer again. I pray for snowdrops, and daffodils. And right now they seem a long way off.
Best I go and have a nice hot bowl of soup to warm up. Bah.
Sam is founder and Editor-in-Chief of Silver Magazine – for the mature maverick
The Whistler 